Masculinity Isn’t A Problem

Spend enough time in modern mental health spaces and you’ll hear a familiar refrain: “toxic masculinity.” It’s become a shorthand for emotional repression, aggression, domination, and avoidance. And while the original intent behind the term may have been to critique harmful social conditioning, it’s often weaponized in practice—used to shame, diagnose, or sideline men before they’ve even spoken.

Let’s be honest: we’re not talking about behaviors anymore. We’re talking about identity.

And that’s a problem.

As a therapist offering trauma-informed counseling for men in Washington, I don’t see toxicity. I see grief. I see confusion. I see deep loneliness. I see men desperate to belong somewhere—anywhere—without having to apologize for being masculine, protective, direct, or driven. I see men who want to feel, who want to lead, who want to heal—but who are told, implicitly or explicitly, that their instincts are suspect.

When therapy turns into a reeducation camp, it fails. It stops being about healing and starts being about conformity.

Masculinity isn’t the enemy. Disconnection is. And our job as therapists is not to sand down men’s edges until they become palatable—but to help them integrate those edges with heart, clarity, and purpose.

There’s nothing toxic about a man who feels deeply, protects fiercely, leads with presence, and lives with integrity. There’s nothing toxic about wanting to be strong. Or decisive. Or needed.

The truth is, many men come to therapy not to be changed, but to come home to themselves. Our job is to walk with them—not to rewrite them.

Let’s stop pathologizing masculinity. Let’s start listening to men.